Me Too

It's time to share. I've been clean & sober now almost 19 years. I first started using around puberty, right after I had my first period. It was a sad time for me. I had just told my parents that I was sexually violated by a relative. My world had shifted  to an even more confusing place than it had previously been. I had been touched before but it was from neighborhood boys who manipulated me into showing them mine. I thought that was just what happened. Somehow normal. It was the early 80's when there was a movement of "if anyone touches you inappropriately tell someone". So that's what I did. I wish I could say the situation was handled to my liking but, in the end, it wasn't.  Enough said. The details, at this point, don't matter. The point really is that I was given the message that anyone can hurt me or touch me without real consequence. Really though, at that point in time, consequences given, probably wouldn't have been enough in my mind anyway. The damage was done. Just a few yrs later, on a walk through a vacation time share campground, a boy forced me to the ground and put his penis inside of me. I layed there in shock until he finished. I didn't tell anyone. What was the point? So I went upon my life. Had a first love.  Dated. Lots of fun. Then when I was 17 a family friend came over to my house while my parents were on vacation and raped me. I use the word rape on this one cause I screamed "no" several times until I went limp and stoped resisting. I called the police that morning. I went to the hospital and underwent a "rape kit" exam. Fun times.  No charges were filled outside of "unlawful sex with a minor". Again I viewed this than acceptable.  I was however awarded therapy sessions curtisy of the state of California lasting 6 months. I convinced myself it was enough. Through all these years my liking for "numbing out" increased. I had to quiet my mind. There are other reasons I used, for sure. This is just a blog about this part. Time passed.  More trauma. My Brother, Father & Mother passed and my disease spiraled out of control. Right before the last of them passed I started a relationship with a man I later married(For a short period of time). In that relationship I endured mental, physical and sexual abuse. I really thought, for a while, I somehow was only worth what I was choosing for myself. Well all these years later, I know better. The ongoing conversation these days is sheading light on dark days had by both women and men at the hands of sick people.  At this point it seems dominated by womens voices but as we know....it happens to men too. Women who were one little girls and men who were little boys. I look at my 8yr old Son and know his safety is my job. I also know the way he views his role in this world depends on what I teach and show him. No means no. Respect for his body and the body of anyone he comes in contact with is #1. Violence is unacceptable.  Our sexuality is a beautiful thing. The body is beautiful, no matter what shape or size. The list goes on and on. Most importantly, I will, without a doubt, protect him with every fiber of my being. I'm still, to this day, dealing with the sexual trauma. I have nightmares. My current husband has been very supportive of my journey to real intimacy.  I'm learning that I'm not damaged or dirty. It has however been slow moving. So next month I celebrate 19yrs, one day at a time, clean and sober.  I'd like to thank the women who have walked me through the steps and who have been at my side at any point of my journey in recovery. The women who I shared these things with that were brave enough to say "me too" and the women who have told me " I'm perfect in all my imperfections". I owe my confidence to you. I now know I'm not alone. I am safe. I am loved.

Dave Gahan - Dirty Sticky Floors

Its time. Ive prayed on it and Its time. Sometimes staying silent is the worst thing you can do. I decided a while back that I would not participate in active addiction. Ive been clean for over 12 yrs and Ive seen it all. I will help those whole want to be helped and I will love those who are in it from afar. That's just where I am with it right now. I honestly get sick to my stomach from it. "What's the right thing to do?" or "Am I really helping this person or enabling?" There is a solution but a person can't truly start until they stop putting the substance in their body. Till then.....

Kass: Family looks for answers after son killed by Chicago cab - chicagotribune.com

Kass: Family looks for answers after son killed by Chicago cab - chicagotribune.com

Neil Peart Drum Solo July 3 2010 Summerfest

RUSH July 3, 2010 The Healing Road

Ive been dealing with grief going on 16 yrs now. Most of you know my “tragic story”. For the most part it has come and gone. Waves hit me and I start to drown. Then at times Im so disconnected from it that it seems like someone else's story. All of the losses were terrible but the death of my Brother Stephen was the most painful, or at least that how it seemed. He was the first to die and he was only 27 yrs old, plus he died In an unusual way that has a layer of taboo all over it. (certainly makes no sense and was stupid) Not to mention he passed on Halloween...Spooky. It was so unbearable. I had to tell my folks and watch their worlds crumble.....It was, all in all the worst day of my life. (Both my parents passed within a few year after)Through the years since he passed I’ve done what I can to hold onto the good memories and honor his life. One way I’ve done this is through the band Rush. My Bro was a big fan and he shared this with me and everyone around him. So when he passed I saw fit to use lyrics from two Rush songs in his memorial pamphlet. (Time Stand Still and Dreamline) I’ve gone to see them on just about every tour since he passed. I do this to stay connected to the good memories and joy of his life. Its not always been easy as the emotional attachment to some of the songs can cut in an instant.....
For some reason, most likely finally reading Ghost Rider by Neil Peart, over the last few months I’ve gone on a total Rush kick, ALL THINGS RUSH! I’ve been such a geek and It has been so much fun. My best friend Vega and I are like female versions of the Dudes in the recent movie “I love you man”. (how random she is just as big of Rush fan as I am)(we found this out far into our friendship). When we heard they were coming we knew we would get tickets and go of course but neither of us have much money so we got lawn seats. We were ok with that, we just wanted to go. Part of my new Rush thing is connecting with other fans, making friends on face book and what not. I’ve sent friend suggestions to Vega and she, for the most part has ignored them, all but one. So when we sat down on the lawn at the Rush concert last night she had been complaining about not getting any internet on her phone and Im thinking “big deal, were here lets have fun”. Well turns out she had been talking to an “Angel” we met on Facebook. He was going to be at the show and she was trying to meet up with him. All of a sudden he walks by, she runs after him, they hug and before I know it we are walking very fast all the way down towards the stage. Over the next 10 minutes we get our picture taken with Geddy & Alex and find ourselves sitting in the 8th row from the pit, dead center. (Vega’s intention was only to get a set list, lol) How awesome is that. This was a random act of kindness this “Angel” bestowed upon us. The meaning and significance is beyond words. The show was amazing. The night was amazing. The most amazing part of it being feelings of joy. No more pain......done. It was the single most enjoyable Rush concert Ive ever been to. What a night and what a blessing. The healing road is long and winding but for this girl, today, Its a smooth ride. My “baby soul” is very happy and at peace.

ps Thank you to the “Angel” who shall remain nameless, may the powers that be keep you safe on the rest your journey.

Boots Lunch And Change

Had lunch with a great friend today.
Had great conversation as well.
Its so nice when walls fall down and stories are shared.
This is the same friend who told me I was a woman who has loved and will love again.
We spoke of love. Goals. The future.
If all signs are guiding you in one direction is it just the fear that will stop you?
Has it always been our issue that has kept up stuck?
Is everything we thought was "it" not it at all.
A change in perseption is vital to the next chapter in life. Trying something in a way its never been done before could be key to a future of wonderous discovery.
Surounding ones self with "cheerleaders" or friends who only want to be helpful and giving can be the answer to it all.
We can't do alone.
Healing and making better choices seems to be a subject in life right now. It's good.
To experience all facets of love is something worth our time.

I drove away from my friend today with, yet again, hope.
I learned and hopefuly taught.
To recieve love on a level that is different than before can be everything we need.