Boots Lunch And Change

Had lunch with a great friend today.
Had great conversation as well.
Its so nice when walls fall down and stories are shared.
This is the same friend who told me I was a woman who has loved and will love again.
We spoke of love. Goals. The future.
If all signs are guiding you in one direction is it just the fear that will stop you?
Has it always been our issue that has kept up stuck?
Is everything we thought was "it" not it at all.
A change in perseption is vital to the next chapter in life. Trying something in a way its never been done before could be key to a future of wonderous discovery.
Surounding ones self with "cheerleaders" or friends who only want to be helpful and giving can be the answer to it all.
We can't do alone.
Healing and making better choices seems to be a subject in life right now. It's good.
To experience all facets of love is something worth our time.

I drove away from my friend today with, yet again, hope.
I learned and hopefuly taught.
To recieve love on a level that is different than before can be everything we need.

austin city limits

geeze who knew just sitting here watching austin city limits would inspire me to write. its background noise. james blunt in singing his ass off. usually i find him annoying but this time im moved.
my life is brilliant.
i never expected to end up with such a full life. i thought i was going to die. i was dying.
almost 9 and a half years later i can say im alive.
im able to enjoy these little moments with a clear head and a full heart.
learning to love myself and others with no expectations just love.
this summer has been awesome. making so many new friends. i have this wonderful group of women in my life right now who i am completely in love with. ya know, i love there lives.
i have been blessed. i have loved and am loved.
i recognize my strenghts.
i see my opportunities for growth.
i know i am never alone in this life and the people i meet ive known before.
i only hope in this life i can do right by them and make a positive difference.....

It's wet outside and I feel nice. I think I'm getting used to my new glasses.
I need to do something random.
I could not sleep last night. I kept having images of my Ex Husband float trough my head. It was not fun. I know these things take time. I guess it was worse than I wanted to admit. The sexual deviancy haunts me. How could I let someone treat me like that?

Who am I. Where do I belong? What do I want and what do I need? I'm feeling lost.

Daddy

Today is the 12 yr anniversary of my fathers passing. I woke up with some harsh symptoms of this upper respiratory infection Ive been infested with. So I moaned a groaned for about a half an hour and believe it or not, I got stuff done today. A day off. What a lovely thing. I had the TV on all day. I dusted around the house. I organized stuff(Virgo). I did laundry. I made a yummy lunch. I payed bills. I vacuumed the house. I kept busy. I watched the rain fall. Over all a good day.
Then, like clock work, evening hits, I slow down and my mood shifts.
I miss my Father. I'm allowed. He was a fantastic man.
I'm not sad, just quiet. Still.
One thing that makes me happy is that I have finally kept my promise to him. I quit smoking. When he was dying from lung cancer the last words he said to me were "please quit smoking". Took me a long time but I did it.
Losing a parent sucks at any age. I was an orphan in my mid twenties. Not so much fun. My Dad was a great man. He worked hard. He loved to read. He loved music. He treated my mother with love and respect. He had a firm hand and a gentle soul. He kept dreaming. Looking forward. He's made an impression on my soul that I will carry to my grave and into my next life. I am grateful for the 24 years I got to have with him. I am blessed.

Lonely

Just hanging with myself an wondering what the hell I'm doing just hanging with myself