Me Too

It's time to share. I've been clean & sober now almost 19 years. I first started using around puberty, right after I had my first period. It was a sad time for me. I had just told my parents that I was sexually violated by a relative. My world had shifted  to an even more confusing place than it had previously been. I had been touched before but it was from neighborhood boys who manipulated me into showing them mine. I thought that was just what happened. Somehow normal. It was the early 80's when there was a movement of "if anyone touches you inappropriately tell someone". So that's what I did. I wish I could say the situation was handled to my liking but, in the end, it wasn't.  Enough said. The details, at this point, don't matter. The point really is that I was given the message that anyone can hurt me or touch me without real consequence. Really though, at that point in time, consequences given, probably wouldn't have been enough in my mind anyway. The damage was done. Just a few yrs later, on a walk through a vacation time share campground, a boy forced me to the ground and put his penis inside of me. I layed there in shock until he finished. I didn't tell anyone. What was the point? So I went upon my life. Had a first love.  Dated. Lots of fun. Then when I was 17 a family friend came over to my house while my parents were on vacation and raped me. I use the word rape on this one cause I screamed "no" several times until I went limp and stoped resisting. I called the police that morning. I went to the hospital and underwent a "rape kit" exam. Fun times.  No charges were filled outside of "unlawful sex with a minor". Again I viewed this than acceptable.  I was however awarded therapy sessions curtisy of the state of California lasting 6 months. I convinced myself it was enough. Through all these years my liking for "numbing out" increased. I had to quiet my mind. There are other reasons I used, for sure. This is just a blog about this part. Time passed.  More trauma. My Brother, Father & Mother passed and my disease spiraled out of control. Right before the last of them passed I started a relationship with a man I later married(For a short period of time). In that relationship I endured mental, physical and sexual abuse. I really thought, for a while, I somehow was only worth what I was choosing for myself. Well all these years later, I know better. The ongoing conversation these days is sheading light on dark days had by both women and men at the hands of sick people.  At this point it seems dominated by womens voices but as we know....it happens to men too. Women who were one little girls and men who were little boys. I look at my 8yr old Son and know his safety is my job. I also know the way he views his role in this world depends on what I teach and show him. No means no. Respect for his body and the body of anyone he comes in contact with is #1. Violence is unacceptable.  Our sexuality is a beautiful thing. The body is beautiful, no matter what shape or size. The list goes on and on. Most importantly, I will, without a doubt, protect him with every fiber of my being. I'm still, to this day, dealing with the sexual trauma. I have nightmares. My current husband has been very supportive of my journey to real intimacy.  I'm learning that I'm not damaged or dirty. It has however been slow moving. So next month I celebrate 19yrs, one day at a time, clean and sober.  I'd like to thank the women who have walked me through the steps and who have been at my side at any point of my journey in recovery. The women who I shared these things with that were brave enough to say "me too" and the women who have told me " I'm perfect in all my imperfections". I owe my confidence to you. I now know I'm not alone. I am safe. I am loved.